To all you beautiful people working so hard to grow, this is for you!
I can imagine you are tired. Maybe beaten down and hopeless. Maybe mad as hell. Maybe hate consumes you. Maybe you are just highly agitated. Maybe you are just over it. No matter where you are in the emotional untangling, I have written this for you!
I have written this for the hard working women in my life whom I love deeply and see them suffer this injustice. I have written this for my own children.
I have written this for men, who are stand up, and get pushed aside for men with colorful plumes, tall tales and false charms!
I have written this for employers who have to manage people like this and employees who suffer under this kind of leadership.
I have written this for children who can’t seem to emotionally disconnect from the tyranny of their parent.
I hope it helps you feel less alone. I hope it helps you validate some of those yucky feelings you may still carry around. I hope it helps you wake up more, or heal, or comforts you, in knowing you are not alone.
Sadly, they often “win” in court, in finances and in popularity. Rarely ever, do they win in love.
THEY LOSE OUT ON THE GIFT OF CONNECTION.
It is this gift denied to them as a child, they now deny to themselves, and therefore everyone around them.
I know it does not help much knowing this. It won’t ease the pain or the workload. It won’t remove the sting of injustice. It won’t take away the sadness. It will do very little to flame out the rage. Yet in time, the love and connection you have with yourself, will be what sets you FREE.
For what could possibly matter more than love; deep, meaningful, secure, long term connection?
Well for anyone who’s read this far, we know from relationships with our children, spouse, family or friends… NOTHING!
EMOTIONAL MANIPULATORS
– You are good person and they know this. So they target your kindness and take advantage. You are used to giving (maybe you’re a little or a lot co-dependent) and they exploit this.
– You want peace. So you learn to dismiss their moods in order to keep the peace. Or you tip toe around hoping not to trigger them. It’s a land mine, so wake up! No matter how spiritual, careful, loving, kind or clear you are; they will erupt for no particular reason. It’s NOT YOUR FAULT.
– When you speak up they call you names or make statements to belittle your value “you’re crazy, this is crazy, you’re sick, this is your problem, I won’t do this, I can’t do this, this is too much,”.
– They will dismiss your feelings, turn things around and make it your fault, project their displaced powerlessness and cry they are the victim and withhold affection “I’m out. I won’t do this. It has to be my way. Since you didn’t comply, I’m withholding (time, money, emotion).
– So if you have a project and they bail and you are a good person then what happens? Yep you take on the burden to get the project done.
– If you want peace, then you let them check out and do it yourself because they make dealing with them too exhausting.
I know women who would rather raise their children than have to deal with the emotional stress of their former partners.
We often pay the bills. Finish the projects. Raise the children. Do the largest burden of work. These emotional vampires, narcissists, wounded adult children or whatever label they get are crafty emotional manipulators.
– They will rarely care as much as you do.
– They will rarely be totally vulnerable.
– They will rarely mean what they say (you get one version of the story as they tell everyone else how you failed, and they are the victim).
They are masters of pitting people against one another because most people have fears and insecurities that make them easy targets – especially if they are your boss and you need that paycheck!
Worst of all in the legal world, at work or at home they will always take things further than you will.
If you catch them cheating, breaking the law, in a lie, doing some wrong; you are nice, so you take the high road and settle with them. No jail time. No divorce papers. You may even forgive them one more or one thousand more times.
Don’t ever think they would do the same thing if they have the upper hand. They will drive your wrongness to the ends of the earth in hopes to make you PAY in one form of emotional terror or another.
– They lack empathy.
– They lack sustained true and meaningful kindness in their heart.
– Their brain is tuned to:
“Look at how important I am” (implication you have less value),
“I’m so busy” (implication too busy for you peon),
“I’m not available” (implication you demand too much),
Don’t be fooled. They look like hard workers but they are often the most inefficient people you will ever meet.
Disorganized, all over the map, masters of chaos, incomplete or abandoned projects, bodies of used up souls left in their wake, recycled souls (we love you, we hate you, we cut you out, we talk to you) and permanent graves (you are dead to me and everyone I know must make you dead to them as well) tensions, discord, confusion and ALWAYS A NEW drama they need help with; claiming to be overwhelmed; and the victim of the hardest life of anyone EVER!
Peel back all that self created chaos, self inflicted wounds, and really what do they do? Who are they of service to? What random acts of kindness do they engage in? How by their actions and not false and drippy words do they say thank you!
I watched my friends kids for like a nano-second and refused payment. I was so touched she would ask, because like me, she is often the giver. She walks up with a loaf of my favorite bread.
A manipulator you could share kindness them with for decades despite all their outbursts, spite, hurtfulness and rage and to this day it’s still “Your fault for their eruption because you have not healed, or forgiven, or did some past wrong, or you’re crazy and whatever else they ejaculate all over you as an excuse.
THEY ARE EXCUSE MACHINES
– They have an excuse and story for every failure. It’s rarely, if ever, their fault.
– It’s some dramatic story they have to tell.
– If they are professionals, it’s even worse. Then they use the work place as the ultimate get out of emotional connection card. My patient would have died. My client would have lost their case and on and on. The point is most EVERYTHING is more important that you. Even the hungry child, takes a back seat to their self importance.
– As a parent they are neglectful. They find surrogates (other nice people) to do their bidding. They hire nannies, get a new girlfriend, or rely on neighbors, to do their job. Most infuriating to the parents who do the work, is having to hear their complaints about how they are a “single” parent as their constant excuse for being irresponsible, unavailable, neglectful or abusive.
THEY DEMAND WHAT THEY RARELY GIVE
– You must be available instantly for their needs
– You must comply to their demands (they are always demands even when asked in the softest voice).
– You must live up to my fairy tale expectations and then maybe I will pet you just a little, nice little puppy that you are.
They may be lot’s of fun though as long as you are in their buddy circle.
Stay in the buddy circle. Keep it emotionally attached because the moment you let them in your emotional space – YOU ARE OPENING YOURSELF UP TO PAIN AND CONFLICT.
– As hard as it is, let the project fail.
– Let them bad mouth you to everyone. Yes it will hurt even after decades if you are a healthy, vulnerable and kind soul! You are tough though and the sadness will pass. Quite often you will become immune to the sting. Don’t be too numb for that is how you become one of them though!
– Let them have their delusions, revisionists history, fairy tale and just let them move onto their next victim.
– Find another mate. I promise you this one will rarely, ever change. This is NOT the 1 in a million who will. Look at their past, do they look like permanent and lasting love material? WAKE UP!
– Find another job. Just start now. This boss will wreck you even if they give you a big bonus. Colon cancer is not worth the paycheck. You don’t have to die slowly inside to please them. Ever wonder why their employees are often stealing from them? Because they are nasty leaders and suck! That’s why.
– Stop looking to that parent as anything more than your egg or sperm donor. Do not expect them to be consistent. As close as you feel now; BOOM! They will erupt. It will be your fault. You will address an issue IMPORTANT TO YOU and they will MAKE YOU SUFFER FOR IT. Just don’t go there….. EVER. Get therapy, move, find a surrogate parent (hint don’t marry them – find a non-sexual surrogate) and drop the hope the same day they will “love you”.
– If you are healed enough go ahead and tell them kindly how you feel. Just make sure you are doing it for practice on how to be clear and direct. It’s a great skill to learn with scary people, and you will get more of what you want in life.
Be forewarned, no matter how loving or gentle your communication will most likely just be picked at, and twisted into how you are wrong.
So write those words. They won’t be perfect. You may say it imperfectly. They will call you on that imperfection and so what? Meanwhile, they will ignore all the valid concerns you’ve shared. So just drop any expectation of progress.
They key with this type is bullet format of tasks (no feelings, no words, no concepts). I’ve only recently learned this and it’s made a big difference.
You: Need CP#
Why?
You: Corroded
How much?
You: $2k
Thats absurd. This is ridiculous. Why didn’t you take care of the CP correctly so we would not be in this situation? Provide a checklist of how to prevent this moving forward before I will even consider this.
You: Need CP#
Not until you provide a checklist of what i asked about.
You: Without CP business stops.
Now at this point, they will either make another demand of you, when really they are stressed about money and torturing you over their stress, or they will ignore you. Either way you won’t get what you need, and you will have to learn to be ok with letting things fail or doing it yourself. What’s worse is if business fails because you can’t serve the customer then you will get a nasty note like this:
Customer called and said service was horrible, they left a negative review, I pay you too much money to allow this sort of poor service and if you can’t do the job let me know and I will find someone who can.
You: Need CP#
That is the only response you should give in each and every encounter. As much as you want to help, explain, educate, rage, inform, outline, and so on, it will just give them more ammunition and take them off task.
Think clearly what is your request. Stay focused on that without anything more. It’s tough, really really tough and yet it’s the only way to conserve strength and stay on point.
– Now, for those of my friends throwing bricks and busting out knives, cut that shit out. These people feed their souls with your negativity and rage because they create this wherever they go.
They are emotional rapists. Rapists rape to see the look of terror in their victims eyes. They like to see them squirm and hear them cry. They like the power of taking from someone; especially when they fight back.
Emotional rapists, like to see that spark in your eye. It gives them power. They feel in control, when you feel out of control. The more uncomfortable they can make you feel, the more comfortable they feel. So when you rage, or react, you are feeding their needs; while starving and hurting yourself from meeting your own needs. This is perhaps the hardest lesson to learn.
Hate is a poison that only makes YOU SICK. HATE will not pay the bills, love the kids, tell you it will be ok or comfort your pain. It’s a nasty and bitter toxicity you must learn to heal from or stay become sick.
– If you stay in hopes they will change, or you will learn how to not trigger them, or worse if you heal, and you grow and start to believe NOW you are strong enough to take their abuse and it will all be OK – you are now living in their delusional emotional manipulation and you will suffer.
– They will continue to take your money, without remorse.
– They will continue to leave you with all the child duties.
– They will continue to disregard your worth, your value, and your time, as their all importance is greater than yours.
– Even other people will bail out if you confront this person, because this person will make it emotionally exhausting for everyone!
– This is how they “win”; their language as this is the world they live in.
– Almost all people, for their own sanity, will bail out. So if you have kids with them, it’s just horrible because you will most likely carry the workload as they take selfies and parade what great parents they are (at essentially doing nothing)!
If you are the child, disconnect and disengage as soon as you are old enough to. Rarely and at all avoidable costs, don’t let them have financial or emotional strings.
If you marry one, enjoy the sex and the ego strokes, but you will rarely feel loved back in the same way you love them. They are broken. No matter how much love you put in their cup, it just drips out.
They will rely on you and build up your ego when they are weak. They will destroy you and use all you have taught them about yourself when they are strong again.
The words WEAK/STRONG is the world they live in. They live in black/white, right/wrong, good/bad for everyone else and yet anything they do will be justified in their world. You must count to the penny as they leach out thousands.
They demand total honesty as they spin their tails.
It is this perfect and precise standard they expect of others, while living in total disarray for themselves, which makes them such an enigma.
It may take you months or years or even decades to finally wake up from the spell they cast over you.
Once you wake up, you will see them everywhere and as clear as day. Your hair will spike up. Your alarm bells will ring. You may even have the uncontrollable urge to run or vomit or laugh out loud insanely.
Protect yourself at all costs. Protect your family. Remember when you are sucked up in their vile, you are not a full loving force for those who love you and can give back. Withdraw your energy from their sickness and invest it in those who can connect. Your life will be so much happier.
For all of us who have been harmed, we can grow and learn, and help others wake up! We can take a stand and be the example. We can comfort one another. We can make a positive and lasting connection with others. By each of us doing our own work, we can one person at a time bring in love.
This post fucking rocks. Sometimes you don’t realize how bad certain influences make you feel until they aren’t around anymore and you aren’t drinking whiskey on your kitchen floor….
That’s hysterical and great imagery!