Once we identify our own inner N or shadow self and shine a light then we can lovingly deal with the N’s in our lives. We can learn to either work in sync to grow together, set a limit to minimize the havoc they cause in our life (by learning to cut codependent cords) or simply closing off access if the N is toxic and only a source of harm in our lives. 

We have choices!

First, we must understand the traits so that we can break cycles. Maybe we have lacked understanding and this lack kept us stuck. Through intention and understanding, we make a conscious choice of how we wish to engage N, rather than just stay in ‘reactive shame-cycles’.

We can break our own internal and external shame cycles with an open mind and a willingness to grow. We can only do this by mature self-appraisal and taking out the need to make “them wrong” and focus all on “them”. That is where most people stay stuck.  Do not allow arrogance and “I know” be the enemy of tell me more and “I want to grow”. To know is not the same as to know how to apply what you know.

Here are some key traits to look for. The higher we rank on these traits, the more out of balance we are. The more out of balance we are, the more in denial we are about how we show up. We are also more prone to cause harm to others. Inversely if we notice these traits in others, it is a sign they too are out of balance. It is a sign they are in denial and have not done their shame work. This means if you let them into your emotional world then you risk great harm to self.

N’s lack empathy. They judge you harshly and will lash out when angry. They are hyper critical of you and completely blind to their own poor behavior. They are highly sensitive to feedback which they hear as criticism or an attack. They take emotional hostages. They focus all their energy on what you’ve done wrong but if you address your issue with them, they will lash out.

They ‘disappear a lot’. They only take an interest in what they like, and they incessantly complain when doing anything that’s not what they want. They constantly complain with a torrent of unending judgments. They are control freaks, and experts, with an air of superiority and like subordinates.

They get bored easily. They are extremely impatient. They react in emotionally ‘infantile’ ways to everyday life events. They are emotionally stunted. They may never fully mature which means a life of strained interpersonal relationships.

The real travesty will be if we allow our trauma to go unhealed. If we remain unhealed with “I know” instead of “Tell me more. I want to grow”, then this could be our state! We may disassociate so much or stay stuck in our own mental wounds that we fail to mature.