I have not posted in some time.  My commitment to post at least every Sunday has dwindled with an increase in clients.

My goal is to reach as many people as I can, because I love this work.  Among some grumbles that I should not offer my services for free, I have decided that is exactly what I’m going to continue to do.

I admire people who charge what they want, and also people who do things for free, because they want to.  There is no right/wrong in my view, just what works for each individual where they are at.

Right now, I’m growing personally, building content and living a heart of service.  Some day this may change.  For now, it’s perfect as it is.

Everyone I work with helps me learn and grow.  I learn different ways to share messages, different ways to see things and rarely, but at times, have some who erupt.

In the past, I have felt guilty or responsible for someone else’s eruption.  Like regardless of their behavior, if things erupt, then I must have some part in their eruption.  Worse, I worried someone else’s eruption was entirely my fault.

I have learned, that manipulators will twist events; precisely to shift blame; in hopes to make you feel responsible, for their eruptions.

What was harder for me to see was how when I erupted, the damage this caused.  And that at times I was the manipulator, the bully and the aggressor even though I saw myself as the victim.  Ouch! To this realization.

Being defensive, in denial, or not listening to people who had the courage to tell me how I was showing up for them; kept me stuck.  It prevented me from being able to see my behavior and change.

I want to change.  I admire people who can be vulnerable enough to accept and own their part in conflict.  It is such a rare quality in our highly charged and angry culture.  Time just did a great article about this (link below).

As I’ve matured, I understand most  people who judge, gossip, and act immature, are not very open to being responsible for their part.

They have a strong internal judge, so when someone shares how they feel, their own internal judge only hears judgment or criticism.

These undertandings have come from my own immature shortfalls and trials.  As I am willing to embrace and take ownership, then realizations and deeper undertanding blooms.

The greater my own understanding, the deeper my compassion, the more likely I’m willing to be tolerant of others, and the less likely I’m the spark of an eruption.

Sometimes, when another’s demands are too great I’m comfortable intentionally being the spark.

You may know those people that you just know when you set a boundary you are going to get unloaded on.  They have a list of excuses for their behavior, and by the end they are attacking you, while accusing you of being the attacker.

When I behaved this way, it’s because I did believe I was a victim.  So I saw anyone who hurt my feelings as an “attacker”.  I was overly sensitive of how I believe I was being treated while also being totally insensitive of how I was treating others.

I like to share these vulnerabilities,  and processes in hopes to lend support to someone who’s been erupted on, for someone who wants to stop being an eruptor, and for anyone that wishes to change from wherever they are at right now.

I want to be mindful when I’m clinging to old immature ways.  These old ways keep me stuck, focused on what “they” do wrong, and spending far too much energy on how “they suck, all the reasons I don’t like them and a list of justifications for my poor behavior and how it’s their fault for what they’ve done to ME.”

I’m so joyful I don’t choose to live in this dark circle of dog chasing tail thinking anymore.

It’s taken almost 20 years to break this cycle and it’s so hard for some of us to do.  It was very hard for me.  I was so raw and wounded, it took a long time to have enough strength in my own self worth to sit with the discomfort of my own part in conflict.

I want to remember how long it took me, and how hard it is, so I can maintain tolerance and acceptance of where others may be in their journey.  So many were tolerant of my slow growth!

I also want to keep being authentic and not allow someone else’s judgment or eruptions to stifle my need for partnership.

At this time in my life, partnership, equanimity and authenticity are very important to me.  I’ve spent a lifetime bending to what I thought others wanted or expected from me, often to my own erosion of self confidence.  So now I’m willing to bend and stretch, in order to grow and evolve not for my own or others ego demands.

I want to be loving in all my interactions.  I am still working on this.  When I feel over taxed, I’m learning to use humor instead of erupting.

I love the 12 step programs because Step 10 teaches us that when we are wrong, we promptly admit it.  It also says we do not drift into morbid reflection for that would diminish our usefulness to others.

For me this means, don’t apologize for being self centered by being self centered and beating self up for a mistake because that is just more self centered focus that keeps us from showing up and being of service!

So own your part!  It’s rather liberating.  Then take action and do something different.  Don’t say “I’m sorry”, listen to what people say they want from you, and if it’s reasonable and will help you grow as a person, then swallow your pride and take action to deliver what they’ve asked for.

Try it for one week and see how much it changes your relationships.  Start with someone it’s easy to do it with or your kids.  Grow from there!