Do you find it easy to get off track? One day you feel so inspired to start a habit. The results feel good. Then the commitment slides off. You slide right back into the old pattern? Do you struggle with food? Negative thinking? Procrastination? Self Neglect? Addiction? Why is it so easy to “slip back into a habit” and so difficult to form a new one? I have an idea about that answer and the neuroscience behind it, so google habits, neuroscience, pathways, forming habits and so on and you’ll get a lot of insight if you don’t already know.

Instead let’s focus on one small thing we can do right now! For me, I was inspired by someone’s synopsis on Tim Ferriss: Tools of Titans. He’s a manic depressive and his tempo, irreverence and humor really resonate with me. I have a lot of energy and am probably on the spectrum as well but what is more profound is regardless of our mental health state, we too can find success!

“You don’t succeed because you have no weaknesses, you succeed because you find your unique strengths and focus on developing them.” Ferriss

Tolo (one of my spiritual mentors since I was 17) and I were just discussing how many great leaders are tormented. Take Dwayne Dyer for example. Dyer gave a lot of talks about shame and non-hostile communication. His speeches referenced how he wished he knew all this when he was a parent. Boy, can I relate! My current more educated self, wants to look back at my ignorant self and beat the shit out of her! I share with my students a self inquiry I go through when I’m feeling intense shame or guilt about how I’ve shown up as follows:

Is your desire to grow? Have you grown? When you did X did you have the tools then to cope with X or did you acquire them later? At the time, you may have intellectually “known better” but had anyone actually taught you “how to”. Did your parents say when agitated “Let’s get the yoga mat out and breathe.” Did your teachers when you had an outburst or engaged in risky behavior say “You’re a great kid. It’s not like you to act this way. Is there something else going on? How can we love and support you through this?”

Of course for most of us, even those of us with thoughtful parents, it’s a big NO. Our parents, our teachers, our society did not support the idea when we make a mistake, to breathe, relax, get extra support, or self care our way into a more grounded state and therefore a solution. Instead we were judged, shamed, lectured, rejected, admonished, scolded, ignored, blamed, raged on or perhaps even beaten or abandoned. All of these (even if well intended) responses stressed us when we were already stressed and pushed us into coping habits that no longer serve us now.

So I follow up for my own self and others with

“You paid for your education with mistakes and suffering. You learned. You grew. Now why in the hell would you want to beat up your uneducated self with your educated self – is that a wise use of your investment?”.

This has helped me forgive myself quickly when I react in ways outside my desired state. The quicker I can forgive self, the more effective I can be at going back and cleaning up whatever my reaction has caused disruption with.

Ferriss wrote we have three options: CHANGE. ACCEPT. LEAVE.

I usually choose to “change” and usually change my thinking or my behavior because that is what is most empowering and leads naturally to quicker and deeper acceptance.  My achilles heal is to “leave” especially people who are not kind and bent on “hating”. It is an old habit of having a parent that was mentally ill. She would act out, and I would go into “fix it” mode and apologize and do whatever I could to avoid her outburst. Which brings us full circle to the Life Cycle of Habits!

So look at the habit and ask yourself “When did this first start? What was going on? How did I feel? How did I feel before I engaged in this habit? How did this habit make me feel after I did it? When am I most likely to slip back into this habit? What happens when I slip? How does that make me feel?

Now do all this self inquiry without any judgment; like you are writing the ingredients to a recipe so you can feel confident the cake will rise and taste delicious!

Once we figure out how the old habit developed then we can start to reprogram our thinking into a new habit which we are much less likely to relapse from! Try and see habits as protection blocks. They did protect us at one point, but at some point they became our prison cells. So ask yourself, am I ready to be my own protector now, and unlock this prison door and walk into the new life that only I can create for myself?

Share your slips or breakthroughs with us! We are never alone and no matter what we share, someone can relate!