“There is an unseen force that causes us to unconsciously seek pain over and over again.

Of course no one would do this consciously. No one likes to suffer. And yet we unconsciously create repetitive and unnecessary conflicts.

These self-destructive habit patterns are known as the Pain Body. It is a powerful unconscious force with great momentum. It’s purpose is to continue the pattern – to bring us pain.

In his book “A New Earth” Eckhart Tolle describes the pain body as a ‘psychic parasite’ that possesses you and causes you suffering. Everyone, but the truly enlightened, is infected to some extent.

In most people the Pain Body is dormant for some time and then awakens to assert itself and replenish its energies. And it derives its energy from pain. Pain is its food.”

I went to a school in the lowest income bracket.  Racisism existed, between both black and whites, towards their opposite.  I was attacked one day, pushed against a wall and fondled; until I screamed really loud.  I was laughed at, before being released, violated and shamed.  I was 12.  The group of teenagers were black.  I am white.  Race never occurred to me.  I just felt there was injustice in the world.  That day injustice was imposed upon me.  My black girlfriends were not so lucky and had been raped….by their own race or a family member.  In my school, we all had the scars of injustice upon our hearts.

As a teenager, I lived in a country were women had few rights and could not drive.  I was sexually harassed for the color of my white skin, because the belief by many, was all white women are whores.  I did not equate this to race.  I was 14 and just saw a world where injustice existed and that day it was imposed upon me.  I had many friends in that country who invited me into their homes and treated me with love and respect.  Those same men had hurt their own race too, because exploitation is what they desired.

In college, a disturbed student locked me in a room and told me the violent sexual things he planned to do to me.  I escaped by relying on my spiritual training, which stunned him enough to let me go.  He was white. He acted this way because he was sick.

As a victim of hate, and injustice, my experience has been it is not race driven; ‘it’ is sickness driven.  Sometimes the sickness finds a cause – hate the Jews – enslave the women – bring down the white man – kill the gays – torture the phedophiles.  All of these actions may be understandable or justifiable in the mind of the holder.  History shows us where these beliefs lead.

History also holds a few great symbols of love up to see that love creates a different path.  The haters often triumph and kill those symbolic human vessels of light and love.

However hate has never won nor has love yet triumphed.  That is certainly the case with my own internal struggles of light and darkness within me.

So for me, I choose not to associate the injustice I’ve experience to an entire race or culture or even to men; as it was always a man, regardless of race, who attempted to harm me.

Instead, I learned to be aware and recognize to trust my instincts.  In a foreign country I accepted I had no rights and needed to be more careful.  As an American, I chose to have gratitude that I am safer here than many places in the world.  To be thankful my children do not have to walk 7 miles for a dirty bucket of water or have their arm broken purposely to make them more effective beggars.  We do not live on trash piles.  We do not go hungry.  The hate is still here.  The struggle still exists.  The corrupt still prevail.  And so it has always been.

Does it mean my pain is not real?  Does it mean I am not allowed to be outraged?  No it just means for me that choosing love over and over is what has helped me heal and find peace.  I send love to those who harm me because it frees me from my own pain body.

I am not enlightened enough to be willing to sit in a peace circle and let hate shoot me.  I would attempt to take the gun and shoot back.  I know this because I have had choices to make and I chose to protect myself and those around me.  In fact,  I am the person who speaks up when the child in public is being harmed.  What other wise women have taught me is to be kind to the abuser and help them calm down so they are less likely to attack their child even more later.

I have learned that I can’t stop the child slave trade and it is unjust.  I can’t stop the starving happening around the world.  I can feed a hungry child in my area.  I can and do make our home a safe haven for those suffering.  I can choose forgiveness to show its possible and free my own mind from hate and agitation.

I can ask myself what does being outraged and angry accomplish?  Does it help the predator change?  Does it bring love or healing to my own inner state?  Does it inspire my family or friends?  Or does it really just feed my own pain body, and enroll others into activating their own pain body,so we can sit around and feel ‘right’ about how bad it all is?

I do both all the time.  I get sucked into the righteous conversation of indignation and intellectual superiority.  It has no positive impact on the world struggles.  What impacts me, and those around me, are those moments when love melts down walls.  When the raped child forgives the priest and inspired his parents to be open to doing the same.  These are the spiritual Giants around me.

Sometimes I think I’m just selfish and think of me mostly.  The doctors and nurses save lives and treat the ill.  Police officers put themselves in harms way all the time to protect me.  Fire fighters run into danger for our safety.  Priests dedicate their life to service.  In all these groups sickness lives just as it lives within me.  So today I pledge to be mindful of my own sickness and to stop myself when my thoughts lack love.  This is the challenge – how long can I make it before a negative thought or judgment pops up?  What about you?  Can we make today a day of practicing love and share what happens when we do?  Join me if you’d like!!!  I need help and support to keep my own pain body from being triggered!