Knowing Self

When I focus on things outside myself without the intention to learn more about what is really going on within me to cause this reaction – I miss the beautiful opportunity to get to know me and to be at peace.

When our daughter almost died at age 4 I practiced going within despite the terror of 8 wrenching days not knowing if she was going to live or die. By going within and quieting the “why me. This is wrong. This is not fair” and all the other negative dialogue that tried to pull me out of presence – I was able to stay connected to my daughter and to intuit what she needed instead of going into my own “coma” of hysteria.

I laid with her and whispered affirmations. At day 7 I was exhausted. I realized it was because of all the noises and interruptions. I begged the doctor for no access to the room for 6 hours which by law they must grant. By being in touch with my internal self – I was able to intuit that if I need sleep – so she probably does too! After 6 hours she awoke from her coma and said she wanted to see the tree and feed the birds I had told her about. She said she was flying around and could see mom and dad with her and that she heard me.

Whenever my mind tricks me into thinking I am powerless I remember this. I can go within and heal myself which heals those around me and that’s what we all can do! Little did I know then, her struggle was just the beginning of a 10 year struggle I was about to experience.

She was my teacher because doing this for her taught me how to do this for myself – so that I could practice this over and over through the next 10 years of the most painful and public struggle.

Through this struggle I came to know myself by going within when things outside my control were out of control. I used the pain to find joy and reminded myself if I could find joy in this pain I could avoid suffering and I could grow. It was a transformational master class.

Joy is a choice. I resisted this at times which only led to suffering. When I remember my choice, I found joy in the most mundane things. Like being thankful for clean water to wash my clothes when children on our planet walk 10 miles for dirty water that will likely give them dysentery at best or kill them.

By finding gratitude in what I have I was able to experience freedom while in this 10 year “prison”. That period is over now and I feel lighter but not much happier as I found my internal happiness and realized it’s not contingent on what’s going on externally. My mind likes to forget these things and my heart sometimes aches but my intuition has always known a different path if I just find the courage to settle down – go within – listen – feel – and then focus my intent on being thankful so I can be of service to others.

It’s hard work but not merely as hard as the denial and lie that I will be happy one day…. when all this passes. It never really “passes” because this is the cycle of life! Getting into rhythm with the cycles of life and flowing with them rather than fighting “what is”is liberation from the bondage of self! I am liberated and I’m so thankful some of you are as well to enjoy this journey with me. Come join us! We have a grand ole time ❤️

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