I had all kinds of excuses for my unhappiness.  I didn’t understand that my state of my mind was precisely the one thing in life that I actually did have control over.  I thought if I escaped my past, I would be happy.

So I set out, at 17, to create the ideal life I thought I wanted to experience.  I attended seminars (Tony Robbins, A.A, The Forum, 7 Habits, Course in Miracles, Co-dependency; to name a few) hired therapists, read self help books, and explored all forms of personal growth help available.

I wrote out some goals.  Then I worked to achieve them.  Throughout the process, I was in a highly agitated state.  I achieved to “show you”.  I worked hard “to feel better”.  I drove myself relentlessly to get “there”.  Once I “arrived”, the goals were just heftier.  I was tired.  Worst of all, each new accomplished goal, left me feeling a little more disillusioned.

I said I wanted to be happy, but every real, or perceived slight, would send off a chemical reaction of mental agitation.  Sometimes the mental chatter was so loud it drowned out all other emotions.  I carried it internally, so one little spark from another and the mental chatter combusted!  The guy who cut me off, lived in my head for miles or days as I relived his “A%$holism”.  The relationship sting stuck with me as I recounted all the ways they had harmed ME.  “She did this, he did that, the IRS sucks, the government is corrupt, people can’t drive, people are stupid”…..  The mental chatter tore down everyone, and everything, indiscriminately.  What I failed to appreciate is the most severe damage was what the mental chatter was doing to my inner state of being.  My joy and my bliss were in peril.

I suffered.  Those around me were subjected to the emotional eruptions and meltdowns. The eruptions could be a break down of self pity to illicit guilt.  They could be an outburst of rage and discontentment.  They could be total apathy, or total absorption by taking on the pain of others pain and suffering.  I lived in extremes.  I was unpredictable. I never knew what would set me off, or how I would react.  Not feeling safe or trusting self is a dark way to live.  In fact, whenever I hear someone say “I don’t feel safe talking to you” or “I have trust issues”, what I really hear is that I don’t feel safe within my own skin and I am stuck in my own torment.  I did not trust myself either.  I didn’t know how to get out.  I just knew how to react, from a place of fear, and it owned all aspects of my life and my inner state.

Don’t despair if this sounds like you.  There are many of us who may relate to this or even feel shame while reading it.  We may still be working through these cycles.  The difference between those of us who go through this process, and those of us who stay stuck in this cycle, is easily traced to one thing.  Desire.

I desire growth.  I am willing to do whatever it takes to see my part, look within those deep cracks, bring light to all parts of self; especially those shame pieces and heal.  I believe if we desire change, then we will create it.  I believe if we really want something, set our intentions and our actions to that which we want, then we can achieve it.

So this idea if we really want something, we will make it so, is more about my inner state these days.  For me it means, that if I really want to be joyful, then I will find a way.  No longer do I delude myself with the excuses it’s my partner, my boss, my employees, my kids, my country, my parents or those a$#holes that are making me unhappy.  I alone am responsible for my state of mind.

It used to strike me as odd that documentaries about very poor nations would show the people all hungry, half naked, smiling and laughing.  Their smile was bright and you could feel it through the screen.  Their inner state was the joyful state of a child.  They had nothing in the way of external comfort and yet they had more inner peace than I sitting on my couch, in the a/c, with a bowl of unnecessary popcorn, feeling overly full and flicking through channels bored.

I was so terrified to start this blog back in 2010.  I was terrified to put my vulnerability out there for all to judge.  Judge they did.  “You should not use ‘I’ and make it all about you, don’t use WE as though you are the expert, that was too personal followed by you are not authentic enough”.  Then there were others “please write more, I can’t get enough, you are so positive, you gave me hope, I was suicidal….”  Those are the voices I chose to tune into.  If one other person aside from me finds comfort from this, then it’s a huge success in my mind and brings me great joy.

This writing is for me.  It helps me see things differently.  It gives me a way to creatively express my experiences, to share them, and even to give people all the necessary fodder to judge.  As a result I’ve learned to lighten up.   I don’t take myself so seriously.  If people poke fun, ridicule, judge or think they know me based on their own limited story of who they think I am, so what.  Their opinion holds no sway in my life.  My opinion is clearly holding some sway in their life though.  They are taking the time to react to it.  My hope is the reaction can be positive.  Yet some of us choose to stay stuck in our cycle of self loathing.  That someone does not have to be ME or YOU today!