If we are disturbed it is a sign something within us is out of balance.  Inner work is about returning our inner state to a state of balance.  However, when out of balance we attract personality types.  These types serve a purpose.  They are the yen to our yang to create a ‘pull dynamic’ designed to pull us out of one extreme as they operate in the other extreme.  Most often “over-givers” will attract “over-takers”.  So it’s important to look at the personality type of over-takers ore those who show strong narcissist tendencies.

This deeper look into how N operates will help you learn how to set boundaries. You may have one in your family, a parent, a child and we are all certainly surrounded by them in our everyday lives.

They are often fun, charming and at times can be great allies. They are loveable. They can be good teammates if we learn how to get very grounded in setting limits. They key (and this is true of any relationships) is to focus on self inwardly and not on the N. When we focus on what is ‘wrong’ outside self instead of inward focus on how can we grow – we get sick. We become mentally ill when our focus is external. We judge, blame, resent and we do this all without realizing it’s a distraction from our own growth!

The first two parts were introductions to the work, to help lay the intention of this work. It is designed to lesson our suffering and confusion. Many of us feel ‘baffled, hurt, angry and confused’ and may not be sure why we feel this way dealing with a loved one with this personality type.

I identify with some N traits. I was not emotionally developed as a result of a lack of healthy development training in my formative years. I knew I was ‘different’ and had learning disabilities and personality traits that were not helpful to my own success.

You may want to read this with someone in mind and may think “yes” that’s them. Then, I strongly encourage you to read this again and see if you can relate to this within yourself. If you are someone with a desire to change you surely will identify with many of these traits. If you are heavy in denial or stuck in your N traits then it will be much easier for you to see how much more this applies to “others”.

So if you identify with these traits, lean into learning more about how and why you react this way. Once I witnessed my own ‘reactions’ squarely putting the focus on my behavior and no longer putting others under the microscope my life started to evolve in many ways. Now I’m able to write about this so clearly, not because I’ve inventoried the actions of others in my life, but because I am so clear on how I showed up, and how others show up, that it’s easy for me to share my own experience on the topic.

We all have N traits! I’m a giver, lover, kind and gentle soul. I buried dead frogs on the side of the road as a child and grieved their loss. I’m a very hard worker and always have been. I was the ‘consistent’ and ‘present’ influence in all my family dynamics. I was most often the person that was mistreated because I tolerated it. I would clean more, give more, pay more, take on more than anyone else in the family and also be the one lashed out on the most. You may identify with this too.

Yet, I also realized I had N traits, because I was spending so much time up in my head feeling hurt, I was not really present. This is the harsh dynamic of living with N. We are so busy trying to understand N, live with N, work with N, get along with N, that we neglect ourselves and our own “people” that really love and want us in their life. How ironic! We get lost in “N” who is lost in self, causing us to get lost in self and to become absent for others who need and want us – meaning we might show up like “N” for people in our lives. This is the shame cycle of N we can learn to break!