Cutting out people who take advantage of your good nature is not an easy process.  Even when you’ve made an effort to recognize who they are, their manipulation, ability to illicit sympathy, and weasely ways make it far too easy for them to wriggle back into your sacred space.  Here’s what you need to know.

First, stand your ground.  The more they attack you, the more it reveals their true character, not yours.  I recently asked someone to  honor some rules for my house.  To which they personally attacked me, called me names, and twisted the entire conversation around about how I’m judging them.

Second, users don’t hear what you ask of them.  They just hear criticism or judgment and will make themselves out to be the victim.  You might say “please don’t   take my desk supplies without asking me”.  Instead of them saying ok or apologizing, they will make fun of you or just ignore you and keep doing it.  Then when you confront them they might accuse you of being mean.  They may even go so far as tell everyone how poor they are and you’ve told them if they ever needed anything to help themselves and now you are raging at them and shaming them.

Oh bullshit!  You said no when they took your charity too far, and now they are using all their manipulation tactics to guilt and shame you.

Third, you can spot a user because their wounded self, their pain, their loss is always more important than yours.  They call you in crisis time and again, but never ask how you are doing.  They want and often take, but rarely, if ever, give back.  When you stop giving to them you become the “a-hole”.

Fourth, they are masters at pulling co-dependents into the drama. You know those people who stay totally stupid and silly things like “can’t we all just get along”. “Oh I feel sorry for them, they’ve had such a tough life.”

Sure we can get along as soon as they stop taking my things!

Like excuse me, they are users and I’m saying no, have some respect and support for me putting an end to their piss poor behavior!

My life has been tough too, and I’m not taking from you, using you or attacking you so save your empathy and do something nice for me; I just got attacked after all!

I’ve cut out many co-dependents as well. They are drains too and often lack empathy because they would rather get their tank filled by fixing others rather than being a true friend to mutually recriprocal friendships!

Fifth, don’t waste time on these people.  Instead of telling your friends how bad users suck, call your giving friends and let them know how much you appreciate them.  No one wants to hear you complain about users.  Cut them out and move on!

Also real power and internal strength is intimidating.  People will judge you.  People will expect you to be the pillar and forget you are a person too.  People will treat you like the giving tree, taking all they need without thought about what you may need.

They eat your food, stay in your home, accept your gifts while judging you or being jealous or holding you in contempt.

They don’t do this because they are bad people.  They do it because they are self absorbed and lack empathy.  They are so busy thinking about “self” they have little insight as to just what big selfish asses they themselves have become.

I grew up around narcissists, who judged and blamed me, for having needs.  I was not allowed to ask for what I needed.  I was told I was selfish.  I was neglected.  I was shamed.  I was told how terrible I was while everyone around me stuffed their faces in the gluttony of life.

I gave to get love.  When ignored, I gave even more to be noticed.  This giving became a liability, because I didn’t leave anything left for my own self.  I never felt ok taking care of me so I never felt ok.  I had to learn self care is essential not “selfish”.

So I started to hold back something for me.  Some narcissists disowned me.  It was painful.  I realized they did not “love”, they just used and when I said no, they no longer had a use for me.

I’ve had this happen at work, as an employer with employees, with family and with friendships.  I took this on personally and an old shaming voice said I was not loveable.

Now I’ve set myself free.  If someone blows up because I say no, then I say hasta la vista baby!

I let a few worms wriggle back into the garden.  I’m rooting them out and sending them on their way.  Oh how they tantrum, until they find some new host to suck dry.

Somtimes they evolve and come back and apologize.  I apologize too for my part which is often saying yes as I’m angry and lashing out at them for saying yes!

We have our part in keeping these users in our lives.  We may think we will be alone, or it will cause static, or people may judge us.  Well guess what all that is true, but when we are free we will be so happy we won’t give a f$ck!

So set yourself Free!  Remember this.  If we self care, we are more pleasant to be around.  We are more presents for our loved ones, and for the people who can give back.

My children, my husband, some of my biological family, and a handful of friends are in my inner circle.  I give a lot because I want to.  When I’m tired, I rest.  They honor and support my need for rest.  They give back.  The takers get annoyed and the codependents try to subtly guilt you into giving, forgiving or fixing when you really don’t want to.

I’m learning true freedom.  I give fully and totally when I want to.  I say no firmly and often when I want to.  I invest my love wisely. My love is deep and generous.  Only those able to accept and give love fully understand the full exchange of energy.  If we can’t receive, we block the flow of energy.  If we can’t give, then we also block the flow of energy.  Blocked energy is a cage of self destruction, with all the negative mental chatter in prison with us.

Set self free!  Learn to accept love and to give love.  Say yes to people who offer love and no to people that attempt to take it!

Be free ❤️.  You are appreciated for being.  You’re loved.  Once you come to believe, the world is full of love and wonder to also be enjoyed while weeding out these agitating forces.